Thursday, June 3, 2010

Excuse Me While I Ponder...

Lately, I've been wondering who I am with all the life changes that I've recently endured.

I find myself seeking after something- always going back to what was or might have been.

Finally- I'm wanting or seeking what is NOW.
Retirement has thrust me into constant companionship with The Man --who became a stranger to me and I him after long years of him being away, always working and me at home with the children.

But THIS NOW though NEW as it is...still has to be filled with all things that are common to my life without much room really for anything NEW. I'm starting to think it is all I have in me to remember how to do some of the old things -- much less learn a new talent.
So I fight it!
I find myself drifting to craftiness. Homemaking as though I were a young house-wife and making all things fresh. Starting over at home.Looking back grasping at something familiar from my past trying with all my might to drag it into the here and the NOW. 

  Wanting fresh eggs from chickens I don't have.
Wanting tomatoes fresh off the vine.

Making tidy all the cluttered up areas of my life. Mostly my home but relationships also--- 
Putting ideas and thoughts together as quickly as they come. Trying to come up with something, anything 
that might be fresh! 

I find myself drawn to beautiful things- things I 've collected that have gathered dust, or lived packed away in darkness for years now. Waiting for the day that I would take them out, shake off the dust and love them again. Wondering ,fearing even,in the back of my mind , 'Am I hoarding?'  and if so, 'Why?' 
(this makes me think about Bob, in what about Bob---if you can fake it then you don't have it! Maybe I'm not really hoarding, I'm just fearing hoarding.)

Anyway, I'm drawn to beautiful things.

Things like ...

My new found curiosity of white things.

My new found fever for the art of crocheting.
Brilliant colors and a sink full of suds to wash the dishes.

My new found use for a old things-

like this long forgotten tool box- now a mag-wagon!

I find myself longing for a order in my day, purpose to my walk-- 
instead I seem to walk aimlessly throughout my days,
thinking "what have I done today?"
"Where did the time go?" 

Sometimes, I think I need a break from what it is I am doing to sit and do nothing. 
Then I snap out of it and realize it is just the opposite. 
I need a break from the nothingness I was about; and to get up and DO SOMETHING! 

The other day I read a T-shirt someone was wearing it said: 

'Let me drop what I was doing so I can  take care of your problem.' 

It made me think, 
"Which is more selfish; to always expect others to DO for you whenever you want them to or to be Intensely aggravated by the fact you are  needed AGAIN to DO for an otherwise capable person?" 

Then I'm done PONDERIN'  --I  give it all to the LORD and get up and DO something. 
I let him sort it all out. 'Cause if I think about it too long...
it just makes my head hurt! 

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and ALL  these things shall be added to you
Matthew 6:33

So what is it you are ponderin'?  What is it that you think on, perhaps it robs your time, or just gets your feathers ruffled? 
More importantly; how do you handle it when these times come up? 

God Bless you 
Thank You for reading.  



Anonymous said...

I was recently emailed a wonderful list of 45 rules, which inspired me (at least or more than a day). I'll email you that and perhaps it will touch you as it did me.

Deborah said...

I think we could be twins. At least our thoughts could be. I've been asking God for a while, just what exactly is supposed to be going on here right now. The story is too long to put here, but suffice it to say, He has had me walk away from some things (good things) and walk toward some things long dead, (good things also) so He could breathe new life into them. He has asked me to walk back into some things I'd rather not, but then those times of learning would have been a waste. Even though some of these things are uncomfortable, He is guiding the way, allowing me to help others, and helping me to live "in the moment". I hate that phrase, but don't really know how else to say it. HE is Ever Faithful, even (especially?) when I'm running around like a crazy cave woman.
I could never make it on Twitter. I write like I talk. Thaks for letting me comment.

Kolein said...

You SO know I'm HERE!!! Quite literally!!! And I did NOT look through your pending posts!!!! Got HERE all on my own!

I think we are an ever-evolving beauty to behold! That's my story. And I'm sticking with it!!


Brenda Pruitt said...

Like your mag-wagon! What do I do? I guess I take photos. Because it directs my attention, much like yoga does, to the here and now. To what is before me at that very moment. Don't worry. You will find a routine. Or just realize you don't need your time to be regimented. It may be new, but it will become habit.

Coleen's Corner said...

There you go again, posting thoughts out of my own head! I try very hard to remember that yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery and the present is a gift. But it doesn't always work. I find myself plagued with the "woulda, coulda and shoulda's. I am not doing right now what I want to be doing, but I believe I am doing what He wants me to do, and that makes me view things very differently. Why? Because once upon a time I thought I knew what His plans were for me, but they were actually of my own device - and failed miserably. A very valuable lesson for sure! Thanks for pondering... it helps remind me keep things in perspective!

Rose @ Confessions of a Curbshopaholic said...

There you are Pat! Sorry it took me so long to find you, I got way behind on my reader this last couple weeks.
Great post. I need to go ponder on what it is I've been ponderin'. lol, actually I haven't had the time to ponder on anything, which is the real problem for me. Finding a balance is so hard.
I do find that a to-do list helps me to keep moving and motivated. If not for that I would just spend hours vegging in front of the computer, reading about what other people are DOING instead of doing something myself. At least with the list it limits my veg time to breaks between stuff I'm doing. Love your new blog look, and am so glad you got back your "real" name!

Granny said...

I found your blog through Rose and am so glad she recommended I visit you. I've been retired for years and sometimes still wonder what it is I'm supposed to be doing.

I love to crochet and the pretty colors you used make me want to drag out my bag of yarn.

The magazine wagon is great. I love finding new uses for things. I'll be back to read lots more.